the miseducation of patrick dunn
Patrick currently resides deep in the suburbs of Boston, Massachusetts. He sucks at sports, can't play any musical instruments, and suffers from crippling anxiety. In his spare time, he can be found trying to beat his best friend's score at Ms. Pacman or passed out on the couch after a tiring day of Law & Order: SVU reruns. His favorite things include television, music, and comedy. He dislikes almost everything else, especially the Tori episodes of Saved by the Bell.
Whenever I hear the music of Stevie Wonder it makes me feel less inferior of a human being. Stevie has accomplished so much over his lifetime: mastering the art of tickling ivory, writing beautiful Happy Birthday songs to Martin Luther King, Jr., and even guest starred on an episode of The Cosby Show; all without the sense of sight.
My vision is (marginally) okay and what have I done today? Swiffered the kitchen floor and watched the last few episodes of the recently renewed for a fifth and final season, Fringe. Later on I was planning on tapping into the first season of King of the Hill on Netflix.
Woe is me.
I climbed into the passenger seat of Nikki’s late 90s Toyota Camry and took a whiff, “It smells like the perfume department of Macy’s in here.”
“That’s because I gave Tyra Banxxx a ride home last night. She started working as a hostess at my bar. She’s really nice, but heavy on the scents.”
“What?”
“Tyra Banxxx, with three X’s at the end of her name. Porno actress… She’s a dead ringer for the real Tyra Banks, but sucks dick instead.”
“Oh yeah, I think I’ve heard of her. Wait, she sat right here where I am sitting?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, okay.”
The next morning I swung by my doctor’s office and got every STD test I could think of. Elsewhere, Tyra Banxxx failed to show up to her next shift and was never heard from again.
Everything my father knows about computers he learned from the 1995 Sandy Bullock thriller, The Net:
“One of these days you’ll be playing those damn Mario Brothers and you’ll punch the wrong button or something and before you know it, some kind of cyber Tony Soprano will be trying to whack you!”
As he walked out of the room, I swore I heard him mumble under his breath, “She should have stuck with driving buses.”
