Patrick currently resides deep in the suburbs of Boston, Massachusetts. He sucks at sports, can't play any musical instruments, and suffers from crippling anxiety. In his spare time, he can be found trying to beat his best score at Ms. Pacman or passed out on the couch after a tiring day of Law & Order: SVU reruns. His favorite things include television, music, and comedy. He dislikes almost everything else, especially the Tori episodes of Saved by the Bell.
He also can be found at houseofplay.tv
Teddy Conrad and Rayna James officially call it quits in one of the calmest divorce court proceedings this side of Wisteria Lane. A missed opportunity for Rayna to pen a scorned woman anthem that would make Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats” feel like a nursery rhyme sung amongst preschoolers. Instead we get an amicable handshake and dinner arrangements for their children; hardly the making of a hit that would sprint to the top of American Top 40 and inspire women everywhere to smash a bottle of whiskey over the back of their ex-husband’s heads.
Nashville Season 2, Episode 3
ABC’s Nashville returns for its second season, and it quickly becomes evident the series is distancing itself from the country music roots the show was built on as these new boots are made for walking towards melodrama-ville. Following their tragic auto wreck last season, country music maven Rayna James finds herself in a coma and Deacon Claybourne, the man with the most fictional sounding name ever, awaits sentencing as he takes the wrap for Rayna’s horrific driving skills.
Coma induced flashbacks take us on a foggy trip through fifty shades of great Rayna James hairstyles and the early days of her relationship with Deacon. After a few faulty flatline monitor moments, Sleeping Beauty eventually awakens from her slumber and finds herself surrounded by close friends and loved ones. Blink twice if you understand what I am saying, and breathe a sigh of relief if you are grateful the audience was spared a few rounds of an amnesiac Rayna running around Nashville with a giant Riddler-esque question mark hanging over her head.
Nashville Season 2, Episode 1
As another year circles the drain, I brace myself for that week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve when all the highly opinionated folks with internet access publish their pretentious lists of the year’s best. Well, I’m no different.
Best Album: The Kills, “Blood Pressures”
The Kills have spent the last few years on my radar, but 2011 solidified them a spot in the “Best Rock Duos” wing of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame that exists in the caverns of my mind. The album’s opening track, “The Future Starts Slow,” has been hailed as the sexiest song of all time by at least one person; me. At their live shows, the swaggering frontwoman, Alison Mosshart, oozes an energy on stage that I haven’t seen since, well, ever.
Runner Up: Jay-Z & Kanye West, “Watch the Throne.” Yeah, hip-hop. It’s still around.
Best Period Piece (Television): Boardwalk Empire
It was a monumental year for the residents of Atlantic City (their 1921, our 2011). Nucky Thompson shot some Irish-made grandfather clocks, Jimmy Darmody traded in his college sweaters for some fornication time with mom, Lucy Danziger got a record player, Richard Harrow embraced a creepy lifestyle of scrap-booking happy families from fancy 1920 magazines, oh, and all hell broke loose. The second season reached its zenith with a tense final moment betwixt Nucky and James; only one man was left standing, and spoiler alert, it was the guy who sullenly parades around the beach during the opening credits.
Runner Up: Game of Thrones. HBO’s other show with incestuous undertones, aka Sex and Swords.
Best Period Piece (Film): X-Men: First Class
After the dust settled on the messy X-Men: The Last Stand and the disastrous Wolverine solo adventure, the mutants go back to their roots with a romp through the suave and sexy Don Draper-ish days of the early 1960s. Charles Xavier still had hair, functional legs, and canoodled with a pre-Rebecca Romijn (sans Stamos) Mystique. Life was great, at least until the conniving Kevin Bacon got involved in world affairs and this other little thing called the Cuban Missile Crisis.
Runner Up: Captain America: The First Avenger. What did you think I was going to say, The Help?
The Best Waste of my Time: The Walking Dead
Oh, I have never been so annoyed with an ensemble of television characters, but yet I still watch them befuddle their way through a zombie apocalypse on a weekly basis. I suffered through all 74 episodes of Heroes, so what’s the harm in seeing The Walking Dead through to the end?
Runner Up: The Black Keys, “El Camino.” In 2004, their opus “Rubber Factory” was released. Everything that has followed has failed in comparison. Yet, I still stick around.
The Best Pregnancy: January Jones, in real life.
She may be best known for her role as the insufferable Betty Draper on Mad Men and countless pictures of herself walking dogs on a Google image search, but in 2011, someone knocked up January Jones. The world, or probably just myself, had watched the story unfold as if it were moments from a well-scripted drama. I was there for every tabloid photo of January at a Taco Bell drive-through window and every gossip-column guessing game of who the baby daddy might be. The world still doesn’t know, but I’m secretly hoping it’s a grown-up Glen Bishop.
Runner Up: Connie Britton’s character on American Horror Story. There’s nothing more dysfunctional than being pregnant with twins from two different daddies, and one’s a teenage ghost. Coach Taylor would be so proud.
Best Comedy (Television): Community
The best thing that has ever happened to college since the inception of online classes. The series has managed to breathe life back into network television comedies that has been notably absent for several year now. They have even found a way to make celebrity guest spots memorable again, like John Goodman as the Vice Dean of Greendale’s Air Conditioning Repair School and Michael K. Williams’ turn as a fresh-from-prison biology professor. If NBC kills this show, I’ll be sure to make Whitney Cummings’ life miserable until the end of days.
Runner Up: Parks and Recreations. Suddenly, Rob Lowe is relevant again.
Best Podcast: Who Charted?
Howard Kremer, sexy sidekick Kulap Vilaysack, and a weekly guest keep us informed on what’s hot on the charts ranging from movies, music, and everything else in between. It’s not so great being an insomniac, but these two have lessened the blow. One night, I stayed up all night listening to a backlog of episodes. The next day sucked, but it was comforting to know that Rihanna was having a great year, chart-wise.
Runner Up: WTF with Marc Maron. Could have ranked higher, but it was lacking one important element: Kulap Vilaysack.