the miseducation of patrick dunn
Patrick currently resides deep in the suburbs of Boston, Massachusetts. He sucks at sports, can't play any musical instruments, and suffers from crippling anxiety. In his spare time, he can be found trying to beat his best friend's score at Ms. Pacman or passed out on the couch after a tiring day of Law & Order: SVU reruns. His favorite things include television, music, and comedy. He dislikes almost everything else, especially the Tori episodes of Saved by the Bell.
From July 2002 through January 2004, the entire world was captivated by the romance of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. Perhaps it was to help us forget about the world crumbling around us; like 9/11, Operation Iraqi Freedom, the presidency of George W. Bush, and the cancellation of Futurama. Anyway, in the summer of 2003, on a cloudy and drizzly, but still humid late-July day, my pantheon of friends experienced a chance “encounter” with Ben and Jen during the height of their relationship and we couldn’t wait to share the news with Alison, our friend who was not present.
The following is a Rescue 911-like dramatization of the numerous phone calls to Alison, who at the time was busy nannying the privileged kids of the greater Boston area:
2:30pm:
Alison: Hello?
Patrick: Holy shit, A-hole (yes, we called her A-hole)! You are not going to believe who we just saw buying flared jeans at the American Eagle in Faneuil Hall. J-Lo and Ben Affleck!
Alison: What! Really?
Patrick: Yes, J-lo was trying the jeans on in the dressing room and Ben idly stood outside while holding her purse and miscellaneous shopping bags. We saw the whole thing!
Alison: J-lo shops at American Eagle? Odd.
Patrick: Yes, then we saw Ben looking at wallets and belt buckles. I think he decided on the trifold wallet.2:50pm:
Alison: Hello?
Patrick: A-hole, we just followed Ben and Jen to a frozen yogurt stand. Jen is sitting down on a park bench eating a medium sized black raspberry frozen yogurt and Ben is next to her sipping from a bottle of Aquafina water.
Friend in the background: No you fool, it’s Dasani water!
Patrick: I’m sorry, it’s a bottle of Dasani water. (Briefly pausing) Holy shit, they just looked in our direction! We’ll call you right back!
2:57pm:
Alison: (Sounding tense) What!
Patrick: A-hole, you are not going to believe this! We just talked to them for a few minutes. They even personally apologized to us for Gigli, but promised that Jersey Girl would be much better.
Alison: Great, I got to get back to work though.
Patrick: Wait, they’re coming back over to us. We’ll call you back in a few minutes.
Friend in the background: (As the phone is hanging up) Oh my god, I think that’s Matt Damon!
3:07pm:
No answer.
If you haven’t figured it out yet, the encounter with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez was entirely fictional. Instead, we spent the afternoon at the New England Aquarium where we saw penguins, watched an Imax 3D movie about seals from the San Francisco Bay Area, and then returned a pair of jeans to the aforementioned American Eagle store. One of us got the fancy idea to heckle Alison at work, who was the only one employed at the time. The rest of the entourage just drank premixed bottles of Jose Cuervo margaritas on a daily basis and watched television on mute because someone hit a mysterious button that no one knew how to undo.
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