Patrick currently resides deep in the suburbs of Boston, Massachusetts. He sucks at sports, can't play any musical instruments, and suffers from crippling anxiety. In his spare time, he can be found trying to beat his best score at Ms. Pacman or passed out on the couch after a tiring day of Law & Order: SVU reruns. His favorite things include television, music, and comedy. He dislikes almost everything else, especially the Tori episodes of Saved by the Bell.

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People I know have this habit of dying whenever it gets close to my birthday; so I’ve resorted to taking it off my calendar. It is difficult to celebrate good times when you are asked to be a pall-bearer at your great uncle’s funeral and your first instinct is to say no way jose because you are unequipped physically; but you do it anyway. 

I then somehow find myself in the lead pall-bearing position, walking down a hundred stairs at the Holy Family Church and carrying a thousand pound casket. My foot slips on the crumbling cement and I hear the thud of my great uncle’s head bouncing around. I try not to laugh because my mother is watching while sobbing away in her go-to thrift shop funeral attire. 

To make it worse, this little moment is witnessed by the mother of an ex-girlfriend who happens to be walking by at that exact moment - pushing an empty baby carriage.